I’ve indicated before that I am not overly emotional, nor am I one known to easily cry! To be more specific I viewed my tears as a form of weakness. I was always okay with the tears and emotions of others, but at some point I stopped allowing myself the same luxury. I am comfortable being a listening ear for people, and helping them to deal with life’s triumphs and trials; yet, it is not easy for me to allow people to help me process when I’m “going through.” Starting in April I begin to really struggle mentally and emotionally. H-Town sung, “Emotions make you cry sometimes!” My emotions made me not want to have any emotions. I reached a point where it hurt too much to feel, so I tried my best not to feel anything at all. I was pretty good at hiding my feelings from even those closest to me; I appeared to be so strong but on the inside I was weak.  I didn’t want to confide in my family, and I felt that my friends could not understand. I felt very alone!!!!

Life felt unfair! I had tried to live a life according to God’s will and commandments, yet it seemed very much in vain! What had living for Christ really brought me; what had I gained from doing it “RIGHT!?” Perpetually single and lonely, unfulfilled in ministry, jobless, hopeless, and unhappy; I was at my wit’s end! I was a minister who needed someone to minister to me; a counselor who needed someone to counsel me. I had been there for everyone else, and in my most desperate hour, I was seemingly ALONE! Where were the words of wisdom I had given, where was the person on the other end of the phone willing to listen to me vent! Countless hours spent being a beacon of light for other people, and now I was lost at sea! Lost in despair! Lost in failure! LOST! People implored me to just release it in tears, but that was not easy for me to do.

From April to early June, I secretly struggled! I pretended that everything was okay, but I was slowly losing myself. The breaking point was something that happened with my best friend. In retrospect, the situation seems small and not deserving of what happened. I won’t describe the whole situation because I would like to keep somethings personal and private. However, in the midst of our disagreement I felt that what I thought and felt did not matter to a person whom I thought should care. These feelings, added to what I had been going through, led to me ending our friendship and completely isolating myself.  The next few weeks were the hardest weeks of my life, as my life seemingly unraveled. Over the next 14 days, I cried 12 of them; I just couldn’t seem to make the tears stop. I felt that God was punishing me, I felt that my friends were punishing me, and most importantly I felt that I was punishing myself for not being perfect.

I wanted to give up on everything: church, ministry, relationships, and even life. I was not suicidal, but I was at the point where if death was near I was ready! I wanted to be free of this world, and its stress; and to finally be at peace with God! I strongly considered having myself committed to a mental institution, where I knew I could receive the help that I felt that I needed.

The lowest point also became the turning point for me! I went to a service one night and heard the worship team sing “He’s Able” by Voices of Unity! I sat in the audience, and it took everything within me not to scream! My heart and most of my head knew and believed that God was indeed able; but there was a small part of my brain that kept saying if God is able why am I still dealing with what I am dealing with. I didn’t have a response to that question…my seminary training and holy ghost sought to give explanations, yet that did not change the thoughts! I left service before the preacher got up to preach. As I traveled home, I asked myself “ What did I do to deserve this?” All I ever tried to do was to be myself, and be the best daughter, sister, friend, servant I could be! Yet those efforts seemed to be for naught. I was so TIRED! I didn’t know what else to say or do; I was done!

I decided to listen to Pastor Jason Nelson’s, “Place of Worship!” The song “I Shall Live,” started to play. As Pastor Nelson declared that he would live in spite of adversity and trouble, tears begin to fall from my eyes, and hope begin to bloom in my heart! There was no immediate change to my situation, instead each day was better. The tears stopped, and I was able to smile again. I was able to laugh and feel joy and peace. I promised myself that I would set clear boundaries in all relationships to ensure that I never reached this place again. Thankfully, after some time I was able to talk things through with my best friend, and we were able to begin to rebuild our relationship.

This situation was both a challenge and a learning experience for me. It challenged my faith, my beliefs about myself, and my mental and emotional fortitude. I learned to really take the time to care for myself, and that it is okay to do so. I also learned that real friends will tell you when you are wrong, and also forgive you when you make mistakes. Most importantly this lesson showed me that my tears do not suggest weakness. Instead, I learned that there is strength in being able to release these emotions in tears. Big Girls know that not only do they cry, but they embrace this ability because those who sow in tears, really do reap in Joy!

I want to thank: my parents; my twin sister, Deandra; my BFFF, Maranda; my friend and brother, Jamil; and my sister-friends, Cordelia and Renata. These people listened to me, prayed for me, corrected me, and showed me the meaning of real family and friends. Things are looking up in my life, and I’m grateful to know that God really is able!

I’m enjoying the journey and always striving to Make It Plain!

The recording will be held at: Greater Victory Christian Center, 2950 Sylvan Road, Atlanta, GA 30344

The night is guaranteed to be an awesome night of praise and Simply Worship!

I have decided to once again share one of my favorite hymns; this one seems especially fitting considering the place I find myself in presently. It has been posited that many of the greatest songs of encouragement were born out of pain and personal tragedy; Tis So Sweet is one such song.

It was written by Louisa Stead in 1882, after a very tragic event. While not much is known about Mrs. Stead, historians have been able to discover that Louisa married her husband in 1875 and to their union was born a daughter, Lily. One day the family decided to enjoy a day at the beach on Long Island, New York. While enjoying their family time they heard cries of help and spotted a  boy who was drowning. Mr. Stead jumped into the water to attempt to rescue this boy. Unfortunately, both the boy and Mr. Stead drowned. The words of this hymn were written over the course of Louisa’s struggle with God after this tragedy.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er! Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! O for grace to trust Him more!

I can easily admit that I have not always found it easy to trust anyone, including God! I haven’t always been able to see God’s active hand in my life, which caused me to doubt that all things were working together for my good! Being able to trust God when you are  not able to trace God, is often easier said than done! I’ve seemingly done everything that I was “supposed” to have done, said all of the right things; yet, things still seem to be falling apart all around me. I recall the words of the hymn writer, “Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus, just from sin and self to cease; just from Jesus simply taking life and rest, and joy and peace.” I don’t have to search for peace, joy, happiness, or love in anyone else; I simply must trust the God who gives peace that surpasses all understanding.

Despite my situations and circumstances, and in spite of the mistakes that I’ve made, I will continue to trust God. Even when others have meant to do me harm, or wanted to see me fail; God has always meant it for my good! So I now can freely sing: I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee, Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend; and I know that Thou art with me, will be with me to the end.

Make It Plain

Bear with me as I try to process all that is happening, and try to create words and sentences to soundtrack my life. I’m still here…

Trying to make it plain!

As I reflect, I am thankful for the blood that cleanses, washes, and still gives me strength from day to day! IT WILL NEVER LOSE ITS POWER!!!! With that in mind, I’m sharing a clip of Richard Smallwood & Vision singing Calvary!

Remember His Life, remember His Sacrifice, Remember that HE LIVES! The song writer declared that because He Lives, I can face tomorrow!

Always remember Jesus!

Make It Plain

I am a lover of music in every form, and from every genre. My deepest love though is gospel music and most specifically the hymns I grew up hearing in church and at home. During my childhood, and most of my life, my mother was the musician at the church where we were members. (This predated the term Minister of Music!) Often, my mom would have moments where she would go to the piano and just begin to play whatever songs were in her heart and her spirit. This was a time for my mother to celebrate and reflect on the relationship that she had with God, expressed through the music and talent that God had given to her.

One such hymn I remembered her singing was the one that I quoted, “It is Well!” While I sung the song in my childhood, it was not until I had reached adulthood that I truly begin to understand and really appreciate this hymn. While at the Interdenominational Theological Center, I rediscovered my love for not only hymns, but the stories behind the penning of these songs.

“It is Well,” was written by Horatio Gates Spafford in 1873. Spafford was a lawyer in Chicago who experienced three traumatic events in his life within a three-year period. In 1870, his only son was killed by scarlet fever at the age of four. In 1871, the Great Chicago Fire destroyed all of his real estate holdings which ruined him financially. In 1873, the Spaffords decided to journey to England for a holiday and to meet with the great evangelist, Dwight L. Moody. Circumstances arose, and Mr. Spafford was delayed but decided to send his wife, and their four daughters ahead of him. On November 2, 1873, the ship that Mrs. Spafford and her daughters was traveling on collided with another ship. Two hundred and twenty-six people lost their lives, including all four of the Spafford’s daughters. After receiving word from his wife about the tragedy, Horatio set sail to go and meet his wife. On the journey, they passed  the spot where the collision had taken place. After seeing the spot, Horatio returned to his room and penned the words to this hymn.

I cannot imagine Horatio Spafford’s pain at the tragedies in his life, yet I can agree that life has dealt me some tough blows. I have encountered tragic events in life that were both undeserved and unexpected. I haven’t always understood the deaths of those whom I have loved. Neither have I understood the betrayals of people whom I have considered closer than friends. I am not always able to recognize God’s active hand in my life; truthfully, I have often questioned if God was even moving on my behalf. When I consider the trouble that I have faced; the situations that seemingly haven’t turned out for my good, it makes me question. Yet through it all I have discovered that God has never left me alone; God has been right there with me!

In spite of all life’s turmoil and no matter what may come my way, I have found strength in the words of this hymn. Through it all, It is Well! In it all, It is Well! In spite of hurt and pain, It is Well! With tears in my eyes, It is Well! When people enter my life, It is Well! When people leave my life, It is Well! Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, IT IS WEll, IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!

Make It Plain!

YAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today marks the one year anniversary of my blog, and what a year it has been. Throughout the course of this year I have moved from Texas to Georgia; marked the milestone of turning 30 years old, and have grown in every aspect of my life. This has been a year filled with ups, downs, joy, sorrow, happiness, and even some pain. I have shared some aspects on this blog that I have never talked with anyone about. I have introduced you to some of my family, friends, and favorite preachers. This blog has been one of the greatest decisions of my life.

While I’ve shared much, there is still more left to explore and to expound upon. I look forward to what the following years will bring. Thank you to everyone who read, and commented on the blog, I really appreciate you more than I can say. Please stay tuned because the best is really yet to come!

Love you all and let’s make it plain!

Maranda Curtis has aids? Maranda Curtis Willis and Jamil Willis has hiv? Maranda Curtis & Jamil Willis suffers from hiv? Miranda Curtis Willis and her husband Jamil Willis have hiv?

On December 30, as I sat talking to my BFFF Maranda, I logged into my blog and discovered these search terms that had led people to the site. I was immediately disgusted and upset that someone had been led to my site by these ignorant statements. I informed Maranda and Jamil of this, and they had mixed reactions to these statements. Immediately I wanted to blog about not only these statements, but about the pandemic of HIV/AIDS. My belief is if you want to know anything about a person, the best person to ask is that person. Instead, we have resorted to searching the internet for tidbits of information about people hoping to snag some gossip or rumor. In this case I have decided, with their permission, to share some facts and some of their story as I have experienced it as both their friend and partner in ministry.

First, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines HIV as the human immunodeficiency virus; the virus that can lead to acquired immune deficiency syndrome, or AIDS. HIV damages a person’s body by destroying specific blood cells, called CD4+ T cells, which are crucial to helping the body fight diseases.

. The CDC estimates that more than one million people are living with HIV in the United States. One in five (21%) of those people living with HIV is unaware of their infection.  Among racial/ethnic groups, African Americans face the most severe burden of HIV and AIDS in the nation. Here are some further facts regarding HIV and AIDS and African Americans:

• While blacks represent approximately 12% of the U.S. population, they account for almost half (46%) of people living with HIV in the US, as well as nearly half (45%) of new infections each year. HIV infections among blacks overall have been roughly stable since the early 1990s.
• At some point in their life, approximately one in 16 black men will be diagnosed with HIV, as will one in 30 black women.
• The rate of new HIV infections for black men is about six times as high as that of white men, nearly three times that of Hispanic/Latino men, and more than twice that of black women.
• The HIV incidence rate for black women is nearly 15 times as high as that of white women, and nearly four times that of Hispanic/Latino women.

While these facts and statistics are not all-inclusive, they give us a portrait of what’s out there and what’s really going on.  For more information, facts, statistics, testing sites, and how you can help check out: the CDC, Black AIDS Institute, We Are Greater Than AIDS, or contact the CDC hotline at 1-800-CDC-INFO!

Now, let me address these questions! Maranda Curtis has aids? NO! Maranda Curtis Willis and Jamil Willis has hiv? NO! Maranda Curtis & Jamil Willis suffers from hiv? NO! Miranda Curtis Willis and her husband Jamil Willis have hiv? NO!

Here’s the truth: neither Jamil nor Maranda have AIDS; Jamil is HIV-positive, Maranda IS NOT! Have they been affected by Jamil’s infection, YES; but their love for each other remains strong. As their friend, I have watched the development of their relationship from dating to now being married. I’ve seen them grow individually and collectively. I have seen them have to deal with the words of family, friends, and enemies alike. They have had to face being talked about by people who smiled in their faces. People have called Maranda many derogatory names for loving and wanting to marry a man who was HIV-positive. Death has even been wished upon them, but they declare that They Shall Live and Not Die! Through it all they have stood on their faith in God, and on their love for each other. I can’t wait to see what their years together will bring, and to spoil the children they will have together.

To all who will read this blog, I say Get Tested! While you are seeking to know someone else’s health status, make sure that you are aware of your own. If you want to know what Jamil has to say concerning this matter check out: It Wasn’t Just a Wedding, WE ARE MARRIED!

To everyone who doubts their story and their love, I will quote my friend Jamil Willis by saying, “It’s ok to be ignorant, it’s not ok to remain ignorant!”

Know your status and Make It Plain!

My time away allowed me to do some serious soul-searching, and deep introspection. I learned some things about myself and what I had allowed in my life, and I honestly didn’t like what I saw. I had to come to grips with the fact that I had placed my needs and wants on the back burner to care for other people. I was no longer participating in the activities that I enjoyed, and setting aside serious time for prayer, devotion, study, and writing. I could write more about what I discovered of myself, but I won’t belabor the point. Just know that I did not like all that was uncovered, and I had come to a crossroads. I could continue down this path that was leading to my demise, or I could redirect and refocus on the path that leads to destiny. I’m not dumb so I chose the latter option, and it has been one of the greatest decisions. I have had a renewed passion for God, ministry, writing, my family, my friends, and myself! I have resolved to be focused on doing things for myself, and not just for others. If I am able to meet the needs and desires of others, I will; and I’m going to do what is necessary to meet them for myself. Basically, I’m doing me this time around…Thanks Fantasia!

So stay tuned and always Make it Plain!

So as I prepare to celebrate and take a much needed rest, remember this: In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18 KJV)

Happy Thanksgiving and Make It Plain!