This is difficult to write simply because the very existence of this post goes against my innate private nature. There are very few people who I feel comfortable enough with to discuss something so personal.
This blog has been my space of release and reflection, insight and introspection; as I have endeavored to be transparent with my journey through life. For the first time ever, I have decided to address an issue that has seemed to follow me from Texas to Georgia, and back again.
First, let me share a little background information with you. For as long as I can remember, I have been two things: an introvert and a tomboy. Although I didn’t learn the word introvert until I was older, it accurately describes my personality, my response to people, and my aversion for large social gatherings. Being a tomboy was something that I can remember being called since I was a little girl. This idea that I was more prone to “masculine” attributes and activities than to “feminine” ones was always very clear to me. If giving the choice of a basketball or a baby doll, I would choose the ball every time. Even now, although I love a good pair of heels and nice skirts, I am more likely to wear jeans or slacks to skirts and dresses.
As this was comfortable and innate for me, I never viewed this as being a problem. It was not until I was preparing to move to Atlanta in 2006, that I first encountered this lingering question, Is she or Isn’t she?
The first time, I ever remember encountering the question was when a fellow seminarian asked me blatantly; I was so blown away that I laughed. In retrospect, I respect this man who had the audacity to ask, because he was the first and only person to ever ask me directly. While this encounter was the first time I heard the question, it has not been the last. It has manifested itself in gossip conversations, secret suspicions, and anonymous inbox messages.
I am from a small town where everybody knows everybody’s business, and gossip/mess is spread as quickly as germs. Every private conversation that was about me always managed to get back to me. All of those secret conversations had a recurring theme. Is she? What’s her deal? Stay away from her, you know she’s. I think she is!!! So why am i addressing this now? Two reasons, the first is simply because I’m weary!!! I’m tired of having to explain myself to people who don’t even like me. Secondly, it’s because I’m determined to live an authentic life, and I have no reason to hide or feel shame.
So here goes….am I a lesbian? The answer is No. I want to love and be loved and spend my life with a God-fearing, loving man. I want to have children and grow old loving one man. That’s what I’ve wanted since I was a little girl playing basketball (lol, not dolls).
I don’t answer this because I’m afraid of people’s beliefs concerning homosexuality; I personally don’t care about who other people choose to love. I’m more interested in introducing them to the transformative power of Christ’s love. If you want to argue theologically, send me a message, but I can promise that my answer will be the same as Jesus’ when confronted with the woman who was caught in adultery. “Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?””No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,”Jesus declared.” (John 8:10-11 NIV).
Everybody won’t like this or agree with me, but I’m okay with that. I’m tired of being placed in a box because of so called established gender roles. I’m the same person in jeans and loafers as I am in a cute circle skirt and 6 inch heels. I’m Free now from people’s questions, opinions, accusations, speculations, gossip, mess and all of the negativity that goes along with that. I am who I am!!! Fully and completely, totally Diandra!!!
Make it plain!!!