This is my story, I’m sticking to it, and I swear to tell the truth; so help me God. The title of this post is taking from a song by the talented Ms. Jill Scott. Sidebar: Yes, I listen to “secular” music and yes, I’m still called of God. Now back to the issue at hand. In this song Jill laments the struggle of being celibate at that point in her journey. I always chuckle at the innuendo laced lyrics, yet I also can relate to the frustrated undertones of this song. Ms. Jill writes this song from the viewpoint of one who had been an active participant in sexual matters but who had decided to refrain from these activities for a set amount of time. This period of celibacy has led to an inability to deal with the stresses of life, and has caused her to lament, “This here celibacy thing is workin’ on me.”
Once again I’m using this song to echo the sentiments of my heart. It is not a secret to those who know me that I am a 29-year-old virgin. While most people applaud this fact, others choose not to believe me upon first discovery. Either way this fact is not equal to the totality of my being, instead it is a chapter in the book that is my life. I don’t spend every waking moment with Sex (or the lack thereof) on my mind. Nor, am I constantly touting the benefits of abstinence like some of my evangelical brothers and sisters. Most days, it is not something I think, or even talk about. Yet, there are times when like Ms. Jill, I find it hard to sleep at night, and I’m consumed with this “gangsta type of need.” Well meaning people have told me, “you can’t miss something that you’ve never had,” and while that may be true, I know what it feels like to have a need that I can’t meet; a hunger, taste, and a thirst. I know some will question the decision to not meet this ever-present need, but I’ve decided to wait!
As much as I long…at this point in my journey I can’t imagine giving myself to some random man. I don’t want to be another notch on the belt, or to regret my actions when daylight breaks; I need it to matter to him almost as much as it will matter to me. I haven’t always wanted to be a virgin, and at one point had made up my mind to rid myself of this burden (my mindset at that time). I met a man who was interested and excited about being my “first,” and consented to go for it. Yet, even in the midst of the act I couldn’t do IT. I felt I should be more important than to lose myself at some no-tel where you paid for the room by the hour. I made him stop, I am GRATEFUL to this very day that he didn’t try to force anything, instead stopping when I asked. Since that day I vowed to save myself until I marry. This vow has not been easily kept, and some days I have sworn that I was going to break the vow; yet I’m still holding on! I press on minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day.
I have a support system of family and friends who pray for me, and keep me accountable. They allow me to talk out my frustrations, and basically just support me. I choose not to linger over what I’m not doing, instead focusing on loving God and living life. I admit to days where I don’t want to hear people tell me to wait when they don’t know what I’m experiencing. Those are the days where I can’t do anything else but hold on; yes, those are the days where I sing, “this here celibacy thing is workin’ on me!”
Make It Plain