To Be or Not To Be?

This is truly the question for me! In 4 months I will celebrate my 30th birthday. It will be a celebration in Jamaica, along with my twin sister, our family and closest friends! As this milestone fastly approaches I come to grips with the fact that I am SINGLE! Single, and for the most part satisfied! Yet, there is one thing I long for in the deep places of my heart. It causes an ache and sometimes sorrow in my heart. I do want to know the love of a man, be a wife, and honestly I don’t want to die a virgin. As much as I want these things, I am realistic enough to prepare my heart if it does not.

While I prepare my heart for living single, I still long to be a MOM! I was never the child to play with dolls and pretend they were my children, but I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I have a love affair with children; it seems that children are instantly attached to me and me to them. It warms my heart to see newborn babies and families with their children; yet, it also causes a pang of sadness. If I’m destined to live life as a single woman, am I also restricted to being childless?

My wish to have a baby is ever-present in my thoughts, and has led me to look into alternative methods of childbearing. Now I know this subject might be very controversial for some, but I ‘m simply sharing my thoughts, feelings, and even my secret longings.  I’ve thought about going to a sperm bank, artificial insemination, fostering, and adoption. I know some would suggest that I should just open my home and my heart to a child who is in the foster care system. While I am not adverse to adoption, and believe that at some point I will choose to adopt a child, I still want to have my OWN child. I want to parent a child with my DNA, who looks like me, and has some of my characteristics and personality quirks.

I’ve heard all the ethical, moral, and spiritual ramifications concerning a woman deciding to become a single mother. I’ve heard people say that the decision to become a single mother devalues the role of a man in a child’s life. I agree that men are important to the development and well-being of a child. I have a wonderful Father, whom I LOVE, respect, and cherish more and more with each passing day. Yet, I only hear this argument when a woman chooses to birth a baby by herself; no one makes this argument when a woman chooses to foster or adopt a child. As stated, I have an awesome Father, brothers, Pastor, and other male friends who I hope would be wonderful mentors to any child I would have whether I was married or not. I also have heard people say that the fact that I am single and thus childless must be God’s will. They further state that the decision to have a child would go against God’s will concerning my life. To them I say, “God bless you with your deep selves!” In all that I say and do, I seek to live a life that is according to God’s will for me. I believe that the deep love and desire I have for children is God-given. I admit that wanting a child is the desire of my heart, and I believe that God will give me the desires of my heart.

Here’s the dilemma: I refuse to settle just to say that I have a partner in life. I want a man who loves God, loves me, and will be able to love the children that we would have together. I haven’t found that yet, and that ever-present and hated biological clock keeps ticking. It seems that pesky clock ticks louder and louder every day, and no matter how I try to drown out the sound I still hear it. I hear it in the smile, laughter, and tears of babies that I see in random places. I hear it every time I walk in Wal-Mart and see those adorable little baby clothes, cribs, and car seats. I hear it when a friend or family member reveals that they are pregnant, and every time I get invited to a baby shower. I haven’t yet decided to move beyond thinking about having a child, but I do think about it every day. I realize that I would have to deal with my families, friends, societies, and church’s reaction to single motherhood, and honestly if I make that decision I would deal with those reactions. No decision has been made, but the question remains: to be or not to be?

Make It Plain!

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