Big Girls Don’t Cry

I have been away from this space too long. This period of my life led to a long, severe bout of writer’s block that has made it nearly impossible to even think about blogging. I have attempted several times to share my experiences in this format, but every time I attempted to do so, I would find myself just staring at the computer screen. I had so much to say, but did not have the words to say what was in my heart and mind. I have previously discussed how important and therapeutic Writing is for me, and to not be able to do so has been very troubling. The last few months have been like riding on the most exhilarating and frightening roller coaster; filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. Let me start at the beginning…

I’ve indicated before that I am not overly emotional, nor am I one known to easily cry! To be more specific I viewed my tears as a form of weakness. I was always okay with the tears and emotions of others, but at some point I stopped allowing myself the same luxury. I am comfortable being a listening ear for people, and helping them to deal with life’s triumphs and trials; yet, it is not easy for me to allow people to help me process when I’m “going through.” Starting in April I begin to really struggle mentally and emotionally. H-Town sung, “Emotions make you cry sometimes!” My emotions made me not want to have any emotions. I reached a point where it hurt too much to feel, so I tried my best not to feel anything at all. I was pretty good at hiding my feelings from even those closest to me; I appeared to be so strong but on the inside I was weak.  I didn’t want to confide in my family, and I felt that my friends could not understand. I felt very alone!!!!

Life felt unfair! I had tried to live a life according to God’s will and commandments, yet it seemed very much in vain! What had living for Christ really brought me; what had I gained from doing it “RIGHT!?” Perpetually single and lonely, unfulfilled in ministry, jobless, hopeless, and unhappy; I was at my wit’s end! I was a minister who needed someone to minister to me; a counselor who needed someone to counsel me. I had been there for everyone else, and in my most desperate hour, I was seemingly ALONE! Where were the words of wisdom I had given, where was the person on the other end of the phone willing to listen to me vent! Countless hours spent being a beacon of light for other people, and now I was lost at sea! Lost in despair! Lost in failure! LOST! People implored me to just release it in tears, but that was not easy for me to do.

From April to early June, I secretly struggled! I pretended that everything was okay, but I was slowly losing myself. The breaking point was something that happened with my best friend. In retrospect, the situation seems small and not deserving of what happened. I won’t describe the whole situation because I would like to keep somethings personal and private. However, in the midst of our disagreement I felt that what I thought and felt did not matter to a person whom I thought should care. These feelings, added to what I had been going through, led to me ending our friendship and completely isolating myself.  The next few weeks were the hardest weeks of my life, as my life seemingly unraveled. Over the next 14 days, I cried 12 of them; I just couldn’t seem to make the tears stop. I felt that God was punishing me, I felt that my friends were punishing me, and most importantly I felt that I was punishing myself for not being perfect.

I wanted to give up on everything: church, ministry, relationships, and even life. I was not suicidal, but I was at the point where if death was near I was ready! I wanted to be free of this world, and its stress; and to finally be at peace with God! I strongly considered having myself committed to a mental institution, where I knew I could receive the help that I felt that I needed.

The lowest point also became the turning point for me! I went to a service one night and heard the worship team sing “He’s Able” by Voices of Unity! I sat in the audience, and it took everything within me not to scream! My heart and most of my head knew and believed that God was indeed able; but there was a small part of my brain that kept saying if God is able why am I still dealing with what I am dealing with. I didn’t have a response to that question…my seminary training and holy ghost sought to give explanations, yet that did not change the thoughts! I left service before the preacher got up to preach. As I traveled home, I asked myself ” What did I do to deserve this?” All I ever tried to do was to be myself, and be the best daughter, sister, friend, servant I could be! Yet those efforts seemed to be for naught. I was so TIRED! I didn’t know what else to say or do; I was done!

I decided to listen to Pastor Jason Nelson’s, “Place of Worship!” The song “I Shall Live,” started to play. As Pastor Nelson declared that he would live in spite of adversity and trouble, tears begin to fall from my eyes, and hope begin to bloom in my heart! There was no immediate change to my situation, instead each day was better. The tears stopped, and I was able to smile again. I was able to laugh and feel joy and peace. I promised myself that I would set clear boundaries in all relationships to ensure that I never reached this place again. Thankfully, after some time I was able to talk things through with my best friend, and we were able to begin to rebuild our relationship.

This situation was both a challenge and a learning experience for me. It challenged my faith, my beliefs about myself, and my mental and emotional fortitude. I learned to really take the time to care for myself, and that it is okay to do so. I also learned that real friends will tell you when you are wrong, and also forgive you when you make mistakes. Most importantly this lesson showed me that my tears do not suggest weakness. Instead, I learned that there is strength in being able to release these emotions in tears. Big Girls know that not only do they cry, but they embrace this ability because those who sow in tears, really do reap in Joy!

I want to thank: my parents; my twin sister, Deandra; my BFFF, Maranda; my friend and brother, Jamil; and my sister-friends, Cordelia and Renata. These people listened to me, prayed for me, corrected me, and showed me the meaning of real family and friends. Things are looking up in my life, and I’m grateful to know that God really is able!

I’m enjoying the journey and always striving to Make It Plain!

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12 thoughts on “Big Girls Don’t Cry”

  1. Powerful… I’m in tears…..no words to say but thank you! God placed a message in my spirit for you.but I was directed to speak it to you in private…so that when you hear it again it will be confirmed…. I will inbox you

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting! If you want to leave me a personal message just click on the contact me link and it will come straight to my personal inbox. Again, thank you so much!

  2. WOW!!! Really powerful. This is where I AM RIGHT NOW!! So reading this gives me hope and an expected end. Right now I don’t see it but I’ll walk by faith and not by sight.

  3. “My emotions made me not want to have any emotions”. So well put. I spent most of my professional life as a counselor/trainer/speaker and like you, was much more comfortable with the tears of others than with sharing my brokenness. I’m thankful you have so many in your life to thank! What a gift!

  4. Now I have read a lot of things, but this was stellar. The transparency is liberating and the truth is beyond words. I appreciate your release, not because you mentioned my name, but because you gave a testimony. This speaks volumes to your growth and devlopment as a writer, leader and a friend. I believe Heaven is happy and earth is richer because of this. Keep writing. As a result of that, others will keep living! You get a good grade for this one lol.

  5. Awesome!!!! I can rejoice with you! After reading this I did cry! I see your growth and it makes me proud. Now others can be free. Continue to walk in your freedom. I bless God for your life and your testimony. The Lord has delayed his return because of this LOL! Continue to grow! Love you to life!

  6. Diandra, this was amazingly written! I kept in mind that you posted a new blog after seeing you tweet about it. I had told myself that I would read it several times, but never got around to it. So as I was I preparing for bed, something happend to me that came as a surprise. I immediately wanted to cry, and it usually takes a WHOLE lot for me to cry these days. LOL…but to make this sweet and short, the title of your blog came to mind. I still had my laptop on so I found the link and began to read this WORD MADE PLAIN. I was already feeling the pain from my surprise and my pride wanted me to ignore it, but as I began to read, I know HEALING began to take place, and still is taking place. This piece you have written has no expiration, it will forever be needed in the lives of many…especially mine! Thank you for your transparency! Thank you for being authentic! You know Big Girls DO cry, even if it takes a while to come out! LOL

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