Tag Archives: Virginity

Celibacy Blues

This is my story, I’m sticking to it, and I swear to tell the truth; so help me God. The title of this post is taking from a song by the talented Ms. Jill Scott. Sidebar: Yes, I listen to “secular” music and yes, I’m still called of God. Now back to the issue at hand. In this song Jill laments the struggle of being celibate at that point in her journey. I always chuckle at the innuendo laced lyrics, yet I also can relate to the frustrated undertones of this song. Ms. Jill writes this song from the viewpoint of one who had been an active participant in sexual matters but who had decided to refrain from these activities for a set amount of time. This period of celibacy has led to an inability to deal with the stresses of life, and has caused her to lament, “This here celibacy thing is workin’ on me.”

Once again I’m using this song to echo the sentiments of my heart. It is not a secret to those who know me that I am a 29-year-old virgin. While most people applaud this fact, others choose not to believe me upon first discovery. Either way this fact is not equal to the totality of my being, instead it is a chapter in the book that is my life. I don’t spend every waking moment with Sex (or the lack thereof) on my mind. Nor, am I constantly touting the benefits of abstinence like some of my evangelical brothers and sisters. Most days, it is not something I think, or even talk about. Yet, there are times when like Ms. Jill, I find it hard to sleep at night, and I’m consumed with this “gangsta type of need.” Well meaning people have told me, “you can’t miss something that you’ve never had,” and while that may be true, I know what it feels like to have a need that I can’t meet; a hunger, taste, and a thirst. I know some will question the decision to not meet this ever-present need, but I’ve decided to wait!

As much as I long…at this point in my journey I can’t imagine giving myself to some random man. I don’t want to be another notch on the belt, or to regret my actions when daylight breaks; I need it to matter to him almost as much as it will matter to me. I haven’t always wanted to be a virgin, and at one point had made up my mind to rid myself of this burden (my mindset at that time). I met a man who was interested and excited about being my “first,” and consented to go for it. Yet, even in the midst of the act I couldn’t do IT. I felt I should be more important than to lose myself at some no-tel where you paid for the room by the hour. I made him stop, I am GRATEFUL to this very day that he didn’t try to force anything, instead stopping when I asked. Since that day I vowed to save myself until I marry. This vow has not been easily kept, and some days I have sworn that I was going to break the vow; yet I’m still holding on! I press on minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day.

I have a support system of family and friends who pray for me, and keep me accountable. They allow me to talk out my frustrations, and basically just support me. I choose not to linger over what I’m not doing, instead focusing on loving God and living life. I admit to days where I don’t want to hear people tell me to wait when they don’t know what I’m experiencing. Those are the days where I can’t do anything else but hold on; yes, those are the days where I sing, “this here celibacy thing is workin’ on me!”

Make It Plain

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I’m Beautiful D***it

Don’t be thrown off by the title, I won’t be lacing this blog with harsh profanity! Those who know me are aware that I don’t use profane language in my everyday vocabulary. This title is actually taken from a song that I was recently introduced to by my bfff ! The song is one of self-affirmation that encourages all people to recognize the beauty that lies within us. Check it out!

I’m using this song to shine a light on the evolution of my self-image. When I was younger I never felt comfortable in my skin. I was more likely to be playing basketball with my brothers rather than playing dolls with my sister. My daddy is an avid fisherman, and we would take family fishing trips on the weekend. During these family trips I was most often found inside the truck reading a book; preferring the escape of fiction to actually fishing! I have a twin sister, and although we are not identical, people have always found it difficult to know who was who. My sister and I are different in many ways, most specifically in our body type. Thus, people deemed it easy to call her the skinny twin, which made me the FAT twin! While I know that there were no malicious motives behind this distinction, it worked to destroy my personal esteem.

I was not a part of the “in-crowd” in school, preferring the close circle of friends. We were all Band geeks and we loved being different. Yet, even with my circle I was still different because I was not interested in losing the big V, and instead of parties, we would most likely be found in church. I didn’t consider myself one of the pretty girls, and never thought I would be noticed by any of the guys whom I found attractive. I was not happy with any part of myself; my glasses were too big, I was too dark, and yes, even FAT!

There was no epiphany moment in which I recognized my worth; instead it was a slow progression into self-awareness. This self-awareness grew into self-knowledge which ultimately led to self-fulfillment. The more comfortable I became in my skin, the more my self-esteem grew. Truthfully, I have reached the point in life where I am so Happy Being Me! I love ME, even the things that I seek to improve upon. When people tried to question my femininity because I chose to wear my hair faded; it was cool because I was happy. I may not ever be supermodel thin, but I am so comfortable in my skin that it no longer matters. So whether other people recognize it or not, “I’M BEAUTIFUL DAMNIT!”

Make It Plain